jello salad

Families are weird. How can I go out and create my own life without completely estranging myself from everything and everyone I've ever known and loved? I can see what I want, and it does not line up with how they live. I love living in a city. I love being active outside, riding my bike everyday, and running and walking and swimming and... well, you get the idea. I love supporting my local community, but only if that community embodies ideals that I truly believe in. I like having really nice things, rather than just buying the cheapest option. I love eating healthy, healthy things all the time, and saving indulgences for foods that are worth it. (Okay, okay, with some McDonald's thrown in here and there... but those fries are so worth it.) I love good wine and hate cheap beer. I like to connect with people by talking about books, art, music, politics, and how generally f-ed up the world is and how we ought to be fixing it. I like to feel smart and conscientious, and I want to be understood as a classical musician. Most importantly, I want to be surrounded by people who aren't going to make fun of me for wanting all of this. I love my family, but after reunions only make me feel more and more alone. I know that plenty of people go through this at my age, but I still haven't heard a solution that I think will work for me. Ultimately, I'll admit it, this boils down to money. But really, I don't think it's the amount of money spent but the way I would choose to spend it. Different priorities. I'll also admit that my concern is not so much for my family as it is for me; I don't want to end up alone. If I go the way of my family, I end up being with people that I don't respect or relate to. If I find friends and a husband who reflect my new lifestyle, I'm separating them and myself from my family.

Well, anyway. I got a new camera! Look look look:

christmas cookie extravaganza!

My list of Christmas Treats 2008, either done or to-be:
(and no, these are not pictures of my actual cookies, but they come close!)

Moravian Ginger Cookies


Almond Bark Pretzels and Butterscotch Haystacks


Peanut Butter Blossoms


Marzipan Cookie Snowmen


Oreo Ice Cream Cupcakes (Brytan's Special Request)


Popcorn Balls


Cream Caramels


Raisin Bars

I'm sure some oatmeal chocolate chip will be thrown in there somewhere, but do you guys have any other suggestions?

ignore this one

I'm writing this all out so it doesn't seem so bad:

Sunday:
- practice for at least 3 hours
- work out
- study for Western Civ final for at least 2 hours
- write half of my 18th Century Counterpoint final composition

Monday:
- practice for at least 3 hours
- work out
- play for trombone jury
- study for Western Civ final for at least 2 hours
- write other half of 18th Century Counterpoint final composition
- teach 2 lessons
- attend and oversee my students' first piano recital
- rehearse with vocalists for juries

Tuesday:
- practice for at least 3 hours
- work out
- play for vocal juries
- study for Western Civ final for hours and hours and hours
- go over final composition with Holmberg
- attend and oversee my students' second piano recital
- write up pedagogy final

Wendesday:
- turn in final composition
- turn in pedagogy final
- take Western Civ final
- collapse and die, then come back to life and continue with my day
- play my jury
- teach 4 lessons
- pack for winter break

Thursday:
- drive home!
- attend rehearsal for Laura and Nathan's wedding!

Friday:
- the wedding!
- finish (er... start and finish) Christmas shopping

Oy.

at least someone's got it right

"In Venice, we know how to live with high water."

cheer-up time

Bathroom Break - video powered by Metacafe

things never change

I am so so so in love with him and I have no idea why.
No but seriously. Look at him. Watch him on screen. Note his endless role list.

Heh. This is silly.
Good.

in order to fill my two-posts-a-month quota

I am officially the cookie queen. I made a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies yesterday, and after one bite, my world had been changed forever. I altered a recipe from Debbie Fields to have a little more chocolate and a little less flour and the results were better than anything I could have imagined.

I also am getting way better at completing to-do lists on time. Sometimes even ahead of time, forcing me to add more things to do so I don't sit around twiddling my thumbs and pining for accomplishment.

Other recent thrills include Obama's election, and some gorgeous, crisp, cold and blustery November weather. Life has seemed so delightful lately, but it's hard to think of specific reasons why. Take last night, for example. I finished making my cookies, then went to Vance's for homemade stew, cornbread, and apple crisp plus a few rounds of Catch Phrase, and I wound it all up with two hours of piano practice in my school's recital hall, which at night is dark and abandoned and perfectly open and attuned... when else can you play the final note of a piece and listen to the entire decay of the reverberation? I went to bed feeling exhausted and full and so peaceful.

Now, don't get me wrong. Many parts of my life are crazy/messed up/stressful, and I definitely do not feel quite so zen all the time. I just like to highlight when things get particularly good. It's like when you underline passages in a book as you're reading it. Even if you never return to that book again, at least you've taken note as it passes you by, saying, "Hey wow, this is pretty wonderful."

i am so ready for this

strange things are happening to me

I guess I must be getting older. I've been doing weird things lately: dieting, going to bed early, reading the news, listening to talk radio, skipping parties to hang out with my family, collecting recipes, using coupons, wearing heels, etc. etc. etc. I'm even making my future a priority. I save money, I spend Friday nights in the practice room, I make timelines for grad school applications. Strangely, I think it's paying off. For the first time in a long, long time, maybe ever, I feel open. As in: open to the future and what it will bring, open to the people around me and what they have to offer, open to acceptance of life's contradictions, open to comfortably viewing myself as I really am. By no means do I claim to have it all figured out... I just like where this is going, that's all.

Other tid-bits you might be interested in:

• I played in the Undergraduate Honors Recital last Wednesday. I was really proud of myself for even making it into the auditions. The picture is of me all gussied up about half an hour before I went on stage. Can you tell I'm horribly nervous? Because I was. Thankfully, the performance went really well. Slowly, I conquer my demons.
  
• My birthday is on Sunday (hence this post about growing older). I'll be the possessor of twenty-two years. What an awful number -- I've always been a fan of odd numbers, and double digit evens is never a good sign.
• October is a fantastic month.
• I am going to Denver with one of my best friends, Dave, on the 24th. We're driving his moving van to his new apartment, and I plan to visit the campus of UC Boulder, a potential grad school, while I'm out there. This also may include visiting friends from Brevard -- hooray! I'll probably fly back on Sunday night. Speaking of which, did you know flights from Denver to Kansas City are scandalously cheap? We're talking less than the cost of gas. United Airlines, as much as I hate it, has come in good for something.
• I want to share my latest online addiction: Tastespotting.com. I literally check it as often as I check my e-mail, and bookmark at least three recipes every time. Oh, to be a foodie.
• This election and the current world-wide financial crisis, while sucky, are really exciting to me. I love feeling like I'm living in the midst of history (which may seem stupid and self-evident, but you know what I mean). I got my absentee ballot in the mail yesterday and I was pretty thrilled.
• I've been spending more time at home than usual as of late, and have gotten the chance to hang out with my roommates more, which has been very, very nice. I'm lucky to live with such pleasant people.
• One last thing. This photo.
  

101 reasons to love the midwest

(stolen from Midwest Living Magazine)

1. The absolute, unspoiled solitude of the Nebraska Sandhills.
2. The stranger who helps dig you out of a snowdrift.
3. Chicago.
4. Norton wine. Cheers to the overall growth of Midwest vineyards, and to this product of a Missouri grape, in particular, for the worldwide praise it's won.
5. Low cost of living.
6. Motown. The funky, soulful music style was born in and named for our very own Motor City (a.k.a. Detroit).
7. The Indy 500 -- the world's greatest rev fest.
8. The ethereal swoops and swirls of the Northern Lights.
9. Iowa pork chops.
10. Art festivals. The Art Fair SourceBook annual ranking consistently puts half of the nation's top 10 right here.
11. Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills, South Dakota.
12. Valleys erupted in full fall color set against a clear, blue autumn sky.
13. Big yards for kids to play in.
14. Real people. Real friends.
15. Storytellers, such as Mark Twain, James Thurber, Jean Shepherd, Garrison Keillor and more, skillfully weaving logic and humor into their Midwest-rooted tales.
16. Kansas' Flint Hills -- North America's largest remaining tract of original tallgrass prairie.
17. Potlucks loaded with delicious hotdishes.
18. Not quite the center of the universe, but still impressive: Rugby, North Dakota, is the geographic center of North America.
19. Corn on the cob drenched in golden butter.
20. A notable (and comfortable) lack of pretension.
21. Green Bay Packers fans.
22. Buggies clip-clopping along blacktop highways in Ohio, home of the largest Amish population in the world.
23. The electric green of spring.
24. Garden-fresh tomatoes, so red and ripe, theyre near bursting.
25. Still, silent, frozen lakes.
26. The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota -- the U.S.'s biggest indoor shopping area.
27. Wisconsin Dells and its successful integration of new water parks and golf courses with old standbys like the Ducks and the Wonder Spot.
28. Our green thumbs. We fully appreciate the plants that thrive in our midrange growing zone. Research shows that Midwesterners garden more than people living in other regions.
29. Real, distinct seasons.
30. The Big Ten and the Big 12. Great universities; great teams.
31. Biking the Midwest's scenic trails, such as Missouri's Katy Trail State Park, a stretch of small towns and river views that's the longest rails-to-trails project in the country.
32. Broadway shows sans Broadway prices. Tickets to major productions are often 50 percent cheaper here.
33. Hoosier basketball.
34. A solitary oak tree towering over shimmering prairie grasses.
35. Iowa native Grant Wood and his famous, oft-parodied, painting American Gothic.
36. The International Peace Garden, on the border between North Dakota and Manitoba, Canada.
37. Rhubarb's sweet/tart combination in any form, from pie to crisp to muffin.
38. Extensive homeownership, thanks to some of the lowest average home prices in the country.
39. Small-town July Fourth parades.
40. Nights lit by a full moon reflecting off a blanket of untouched snow.
41. Omaha Black Angus steaks.
42. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.
43. Island magic, from the rugged bluffs of car-less Mackinac, to the sweeping dunes of the Manitous, to the wooded beauty of Madeline.
44. Long, flat, straight roads under a wide-open blue sky.
45. Kansas City barbecue.
46. The Great Lakes.
47. State and county fairs: blue-ribbon winners, midway rides and superbly bad-for-you food on a stick.
48. Laura Ingalls Wilder.
49. Wacky winter festivities, like frozen turkey bowling and polar bear dips.
50. Topographic diversity, from rolling hills to open plains, the Ozark Mountains to the north woods.
51. Outdoor concerts. Lawn chairs, picnic baskets, and a symphony echoing through balmy summer nights.
52. Tasty regional specialty foods, including Nebraska's Runzas and Michigan's pasties.
53. Sitting, safe, before a crackling fire, as winter winds whip outside.
54. Lake-caught delicacies, such as Michigan whitefish and Minnesota walleye, plus events they inspire, like fish boils in Door County, Wisconsin.
55. Short commutes.
56. Drugstore soda fountains. Small- town, Norman Rockwell-esque destinations where coffee is sometimes still just a nickel.
57. White-steepled churches poking above oceans of fields.
58. Two awesome beer hubs: St. Louis, which gave the world Budweiser et. al., and the entire state of Wisconsin, where legacies include brews from Miller to Leinenkugel to Sprecher.
59. Spam. Minnesota's own bit of kitsch in a can, (in)famous worldwide.
60. Canoeing the Current River in Missouri, with its clear-running waters and spectacular bluffs.
61. Celebrations of Native American heritage, from present-day powwows to awesome tributes, such as the Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota.
62. Fresh Air
63. Our storied work ethic.
64. Bald eagles. The Midwest is arguably the best place in all the lower 48 to see our national bird.
65. Plenty of Claes Oldenburg's way-larger-than-life sculptures, including Shuttlecocks (Kansas City), Free Stamp (Cleveland), Spoonbridge and Cherry (Minneapolis), Plantoir and Crusoe Umbrella (Des Moines).
66. Fresh water -- one of the largest concentrations in the world.
67. Farm markets. They always offer the freshest bounty, whether right in the city (like on the state capitol grounds in Madison, Wisconsin) or along a remote two-lane road.
68. White Christmases.
69. Rich, starry nights and places where you can appreciate them.
70. Great golf. Despite our condensed season, we cater to our links-loving population with the most courses per capita.
71. Cheers rising from Little League games in neighborhood parks.
72. Dried cherries from Michigan's orchard country.
73. Lilacs. Their soft color and sweet spring scent unexpectedly wafting through the window.
74. The Mississippi River, which begins as a trickle tucked into Minnesota's Itasca State Park, then spends the bulk of its mileage carving through the Heartland's wooded valleys, big cities and historic small towns.
75. Sun-warmed skin that smells of sunscreen, mosquito spray and barbecue smoke.
76. The Cubs. Just because.
77. Branson, Missouri, "Live Music Show Capital of the World."
78. Open, quiet space.
79. RAGBRAI (the Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa). This weeklong event is among the longest, largest and oldest bicycle tours in the world.
80. The Wild West feel of North Dakota and South Dakota, with their buffalo, Badlands, cattle ranches and frontier towns.
81. The sweet, spicy aroma of freshly mown grass.
82. Minnesota's Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness. With more than a million acres of pristine woods and lakes, most motor-free, it's one of the best places to experience nature's raw beauty.
83. The Gateway Arch in St. Louis.
84. The Buckeye Trail. Ohio's nearly 1,300-mile hiking trail offers views ranging from a Lake Erie beach to suburban Cincinnati.
85. Front porch chats with neighbors.
86. History taught via re-enactment at places such as Indiana's Conner Prairie, where learning about the past seems like time travel.
87. Great ethnic neighborhoods and towns, from the Mexican enclave of Pilsen in Chicago to the Czech town of Wilber, Nebraska.
88. Cheese. Of course, Wisconsin overflows with delicious curds, but don't overlook other standouts, such as the Swiss from Ohio's Amish country and the renowned Maytag Blue from Newton, Iowa.
89. Snow days.
90. Tailgating. Nothing like sparking up the grill and breaking out the cooler with other diehard fans in the stadium parking lot.
91. Henry Ford, who brought the automobile to the masses and rooted the car-making industry firmly in Michigan.
92. Fireflies at dusk in the backyard, and hopeful kids with Mason jars chasing the unpredictable glow.
93. Sipping coffee at a sidewalk cafe on the Plaza in Kansas City.
94. Midwest common sense.
95. Door County, Wisconsin, straddling Lake Michigan and Green Bay, for its draws, such as sunset beach walks, cherry picking and antiques stores.
96. Not one or two, but three of the country's biggest balls of twine (in Kansas, Minnesota and Missouri).
97. The Impressionist gallery and the centuries-old coats of armor at the Art Institute of Chicago.
98. Historic lighthouses.
99. The way the sky darkens, the crickets chirp louder and the air turns warm and tense right before a summer afternoon thunderstorm.
100. Michigan's Upper Peninsula -- in summer, whispering pines and lapping Great Lakes; in winter, snowmobiling and ski slopes.
101. The secure feeling of knowing you live in a place where you feel completely at home.

summer reading list report

The official list, seeing as it's September (!!!) with helpful links and insightful commentary thoughtfully provided by yours truly.

- Faking It: The Quest for Authenticity in Popular Music by Hugh Barker and Yuval Taylor - Mildly interesting, but really could have been written better considering the appeal of the topic. Honestly, I read this so I could better debate with my boyfriend, the indie-music aficionado.
- Cartesian Sonata and Other Novellas by William H. Gass - The author has developed a unique and interesting writing style, somewhere in the shadows between prose, poetry, and stream-of-consciousness, and its beauty took me a good fifty pages to appreciate.
- Angels by Denis Johnson - Denis Johnson is a genius. I loved it.
- A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf - Interesting, but read it for class, not on your own.
- For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway - Not your typical Hemingway. I really really really liked the characters, which is rare -- normally I find most characters in novels pathetically flawed.
- The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - Mind food.
- A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (favorite #1) Just utterly fantastic. So well written, succint and beautiful and dirty and poignant. Better by far than the movie.
- The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - Any woman around the age of 21 ought to read this, really.
- The Stranger by Albert Camus - In the past year or so I feel as though I've gained appreciation for what makes things French and what makes French things wonderful. This is a wonderful book, translation or not.
- In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - Riveting.
- Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe - Simple and graceful, like another story from the Bible you've never heard before or a modern day epic poem.
- Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour, an Introduction by J.D. Salinger (re-read) - Yeah, Salinger will change the way you think about writing.
- Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather (favorite #2) Like eating a loaf of delicious, perfectly crusty bread.
- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers - Not as good as I had hoped, but still dense and dark. I think I need a few years and a re-read before I can appreciate this one.

Grand total: 14!

quiet new beginnings

All for now.

the clarifying qualities of early morning fog

Ahhh, the mountains. I have been getting up very early lately (usually around 7:30) in order to savor the air -- sweet, cool, moist, and best of all quiet. With every passing day it's becoming easier to savor; the six and a half weeks that seemed an eternity are almost over. I had my last lesson today with Mrs. Pridonoff, which was fantastic as usual, and my last studio class as well. Tonight I attended the last chamber music concert, and that's pretty much it for me. Crazy. Tomorrow will be spent visiting my boyfriend and my boyfriend's family in Asheville. How is that possible, you ask? Aren't they from Iowa or some far flung state like that? Actually, his brother happens to be getting married at the Biltmore Estate -- purely coincidental, but a convenient coincidence nonetheless. After our hurried reunion I'll spend tomorow night back here to watch the opera company perform their last scenes concert, then Friday I'll pack and say my good byes and watch two more fantastic concerts, one of the orchestra and one of student ensembles playing new music written by the composers here. Then Saturday morning I'm off! Not home quite yet, though... I'll spend the rest of the weekend with my aunt's family in Nashville and then finish the drive Monday. Definitely dreading that long long long drive across Missouri but the pay-off will be worth it: HOME!

Seeing as this will probably be my final blog from Brevard, I feel as though I ought to say something about what I've learned here, but it's hard for me to summarize something that hasn't quite wrapped itself up yet, especially when it comes to my own inner, personal growth and development. What I can do is copy and paste a bit from an e-mail I wrote recently, though: "I know, can already see, that I have grown as a musician. I understand my playing better and what I need to do to improve it, I have learned to play tons of literature and listened to sooooo much more, I've gained understanding of what it means to have a career as a musician, I've lost some of my fears of live performance, I've gotten to know incredible players my own age and worked under even more incredible teachers, I've added to my list of qualifications for grad school and what I look for in a teacher, I've gleaned ideas to influence my own teaching style... I could go on but I think you get the idea." In addition to all of that, I think I've changed my mind (once again) about what I want to do within this crazy world of professional music. I won't say just yet what my ideas are, but I think they're forming solidly in the back of my brain and will be ready to act upon very soon.

You know, despite all my complaining, and I've done a lot of it, I think I just might miss this place. See you soon.

mood swings of mountain weather

I don't have much time for a substantial entry -- rehearsal in twenty minutes -- but a few important things went down this week I wanted to let you know about.

First of all, I had my lesson with Elizabeth Pridonoff yesterday (finally) and it was just incredible. In studio class on Wednesday we all had a wonderful discussion about why we are here and why we are musicians and it really got me thinking. In the past year I have been doing a lot of questioning in that same vein: Can I really make a living in music and be happy with myself and my life at the same time? I don't want to have to overwork to succeed, but I don't want to be unsuccessful, either. Basically, all my thinking and talking to other musicians and talking to my family/friends and that discussion and my talk with Mrs. Pridonoff culminated in a personal epiphany of sorts; I've realized that I can do music and still acheive a balance. My life is what I make of it. Along with that epiphany comes the realization that I really need to go to graduate school if I'm going to make success as a musician plausible, which means this coming year is going to be very stressful and busy and full of big decisions.

But of course my lesson wasn't all just talking, we played some music too. I played the first movement of my Beethoven for her and she offered some very helpful suggestions. It was almost a surreal experience... she is so incredibly similar to my first two piano teachers in personality, musical outlook, and teaching style. It was like going back to my childhood. I really enjoyed it, and it made me feel very inspired and truly excited to practice for the first time in a long while. Her technical suggestions, especially, made a lot of sense to me. Donna Lee's suggestions were good for someone with hands and arms like hers, but they felt for the most part very unnatural to me, and I think Mrs. Pridonoff can help me return to my own personal comfort at the piano.

I'm running out of time! Quickly, other things I did this week:
- Took a spur of the moment trip to the Blue Ridge Parkway, and went hiking to look at waterfalls and mountain overlooks and trees trees trees everywhere. It was just gorgeous.
- Rehearsed with the gigantic (120 people!) choir for the Carmina Burana performance we're giving tomorrow afternoon with Keith Lockhart, conductor of the Boston Pops!
- Played for the Board of Trustees dinner with a singer and got to schmooze a bit afterwards. I've found that for the most part the older people get the more I enjoy talking to them, so I had a good time.

Okay, truly have to go RIGHT now. More later, hopefully!

caffeine will see me through

The nature of life at Brevard creates a strange atmosphere sometimes. Good strange, I mean. For example, I was eating alone at lunch today (I was a little earlier than usual and it the cafeteria was pretty empty) when I noticed none other than Andres Diaz sitting at the opposite end of the table. These things happen a lot -- famous and ridiculously talented people like Diaz mixing right in with the students in the midst of their day-to-day. For those of you wondering who this dude is, check this out. The trio mentioned in that link, the Diaz Trio, gave a concert on Monday night that was by far and above the best concert I have heard since I got here. They played some Dohnanyi and some Kodaly (early 20th century Hungarian composer... very folksy and awwwwesome). But they opened with Andres Diaz doing a solo Bach cello suite which just... blew me away. And that isn't easy to do with solo anything, especially something as antiquated as Bach, but it was so full of personality and beauty! I couldn't even see him as he performed because I had walked in last minute, too late to find a seat, and had to hide around a corner just to hear him. His performance made me so excited about playing Bach that I decided to play my partita for Donna Lee at my last lesson with her the next morning, and it was well worth it; we had the best time together, both of us throwing our hands around like wild women and exclaiming about Bach's genius.

Speaking of Donna Lee, I have decided that I really like her, as a person, a performer, and an educator. All of my complaints about inefficiency put aside, I think she is very talented and kind, and I would love to work with her again in the future. My next teacher, Elizabeth Pridonoff, gets here on Saturday, though, and since she's the reason I came here I am naturally very excited to meet her and play for her.

This week has been very, very busy, and the next few days are the culmination of it all, so I'm feeling the pressure! Tomorrow I am premiering a new song in an afternoon recital, and then that evening I am playing the synthesizer part in a piece for the Transylvania Symphonic Orchestra (one of the high school orchestras here). On Saturday I play for three competitors in the concerto competition, which will be terrifying -- orchestral reductions are so hard. And on Sunday, if any of my instrumentalists make it I will be accompanying them in the finals, which are a public performance. Wish me luck, because I will need it.

gravel in my sandals

This week has been going so so so well. The pages of my daily planner fill up with incredible speed, between rehearsals, practicing, concerts, lectures, master classes, running, reading, and meals. It feels really good, though, to see how much I am accomplishing. Here's a list of my current repertoire:

• Solo: Beethoven's Sonata No. 27, Op. 90 in E minor; Bach's Partita No. 3 in A minor
• Concerto reductions for the competition in 9 (eek!) days: Richard Strauss's Oboe Concerto in D major; Mozart's Oboe Concerto in C major; Tchaikovsky's Cello Variations on a Roccoco Theme
• Chamber Works: Debussy's Violin Sonata; Beethoven's Violin Sonata No. 4, Op. 23 in A minor
• Orchestra parts: John Adams's The Wound-Dresser; Saint-Saens's Organ Symphony

Oy... so much music!

My second lesson with Donna Lee went much better than the first. I think it helped that I am now feeling much more at ease with myself being here, and I also came in with specific questions so that our lesson time was very focused and efficient rather than filled with lots of fluffy talk. Unfortunately I can't really focus much on my solo rep, for obvious reasons! I have noticed that the increased amounts of practice time haven't put as much strain on my arms as I had been expecting. In fact, I feel much more at ease at the piano than I ever have before. Let's hope that feeling continues.

Yesterday was an especially fantastic day. The first part of the week was very mentally exhausting so I took the entire day off and drove to Asheville. I shopped and ate delicious food and walked everywhere downtown. Asheville is a very interesting city with an incredibly diverse population and beautiful archictecture, not to mention the mountains that surround it. The best parts of my day: spending an hour in a bookstore waiting for the rain to stop, eating sea-salt dark chocolate caramels from a chocolate shop, and ending my day with an escape into the hushed and beautiful St. Lawrence Basilica. I also discovered what may well be the greatest antique store known to man -- huge and full of clutter but none of it junky, just intriguing and quirky. And after spending such a wonderful and selfish day, I feel much more energized and excited about the things I am doing here.

I wish I could write longer, but I should go practice!

spiders have eight legs

I can't believe it's already the Fourth of July... that means I only have thirty-eight days left in this place! (Well, plus the two to three days of driving time to get back to Lawrence... heh.) Now, I realize that a countdown is usually a sign of anticipation and also a sign that I feel what's to come is better than what I am experiencing currently, and in a way that's true. I really miss my daily summer routine back home, and I hate the fact that I'm not going to be able to come back to Minnesota this summer to see people. I miss teaching, I miss riding my bike, I miss cooking, I miss my friends and our bar, I miss my roomies, etc. But at the same time, I am specifically counting down the days I have left at Brevard as a kind of personal challenge: How much learning and music-making can I possibly fit into thirty-eight days? Can I handle practicing four or five hours every single day? How many pages of music can I learn in that time? How many friendships can I forge and establish? How many professors can I learn from and get to know? If I am going to be here, I am going to be here, you know?

I had my first lesson with Donna Lee on Tuesday. To be honest, it was a little frustrating. We went over the first movement of Beethoven's Sonata Op. 90, and she spent a lot of time dealing in images and musical metaphors ("Your arm is a super ball!") rather than specifically adressing my musical and techincal problems. It felt extremely inefficient as a teaching style, and I walked out feeling unmotivated and a little depressed -- I missed my old teachers a lot! But after I sat down for a practice session on the sonata I discovered that she had managed to communicate a good deal of helpful technical advice -- specifically the idea of suspension in my forearms and the shape of my fingers during fast passages -- that made a real difference in the way I played the sonata. I am very interested to see how our next lesson goes, now that we've gotten to know each other a little bit and figured out our dynamic.

As far as other teachers here, Dr. Douglas Weeks from Converse College gave a master class on Wednesday that I enjoyed a great deal. He's one of those teachers who can't help but show his genuine excitement for the music and for teaching it to his students. And of course, his own playing is superb -- he accompanied the Moszcowski violin duet on a recital this week and showed not only his technical chops but also his musical sensitivity. I find it interesting that such a talented man ends up at a tiny little school like Converse College but such is life.

I am starting to make some good friends here, which keeps me busy when I'm not practicing. It's also nice to talk to people because they are from schools across the country, and they can offer me an insider's perspective on the programs they've been involved in. It's a great way to research for graduate schools.

As far as my plans for today... there's a pops concert at 2:00 with all the stereotypical Independence Day bullhonky (Stars and Stripes Forever, 1812 Overture, etc.), and I am hoping after that I can find some people to go explore around Asheville with me for a while, maybe check out the fireworks display there. We shall see. Things around Brevard don't really stop or slow down for this holiday, so hopefully I can find a way to pull people away from their instruments long enough to have at least a little fun. ;-)

By the way, I'd love to hear from anyone who is reading this -- just shoot me an e-mail or call me up and let me know how your summer is going.

settling in

My third day here and already things are familiar. It seems like everyone here is an early riser, which I really appreciate -- I think my inner morning person has been waiting for an opportunity like this to show herself. After my morning run and shower I walk down to breakfast and even at 7:30 in the morning I can hear trumpets and violins echoing across the ponds and pathways.

So far it has been difficult to establish a "routine" for myself... it's taking a while for the piano department to let us know what's going on and to get a schedule rolling, but I think on Monday things will finally start up. It looks like my days are going to be very much my own; studio class, master class, and a private lesson each happen once a week, plus the intermittent chamber coaching and a weekly lecture on the Well-Tempered Clavier. But each of those is only one hour long at the most, and the rest of the day is my own. Of course there are performances I can attend almost every day (for example I saw Yo-Yo Ma last night!), but even with those I still have a good eight hours a day to spend exactly how I please. Really, it's wonderful -- I can read as much as I want, linger at mealtimes, and explore Brevard and the forest surrounding it. Everyone has been talking about how I have to go see all the waterfalls that are around here, and I really want to go whitewater rafting, so I'll have to be assertive and gather up a group of people to go do that.

By the way, I finally found out I will for certain be studying with Donna Lee and Elizabeth Pridonoff this summer, for three weeks each. I've talked to Donna Lee a bit and she seems absolutely wonderful -- sooooo friendly, and her previous students tell me she is a very gifted educator. I've also found out some of the collaboration I'll be working on, and it sounds like I'm going to be the rehearsal accompanist for the opera company's production of the Carmina Burana, as well as possibly getting a part or two in the orchestra (?), plus as many chamber sonatas as I can get my hands on. Lots of music, but I can't wait.

the salad bar's alright

I am here! First thing's first: a story about my ever-faithful car, Lizzie Lou. She stuck with me through two long and arduous days of cross-country driving, and our joint efforts have brought us to a milestone of sorts. Or perhaps a mileage-stone?


I am proud of her.

As far as this place she has brought me to (Brevard, that is), I don't really have a whole lot to say. I've situated myself in my cabin, which has four rooms of four bunks each, plus a bathroom and an RA. (I'm on the upper bunk for now but I'm in the process of bargaining to change that.) It's extremely basic but not really that dirty... definitely tolerable. I am here to embrace the outdoors, after all. Plastic roofing (like swimming pool changing room style) and thin walls, cement floors, window AC units, but we DO have a refrigerator! This means that I don't have to subsist on cafeteria food alone.

Speaking of the cafeteria, I really think ours is alright. The food is basically the equivalent of a pretty decent high school lunchroom meal, and the salad bar is alright -- today they had pea pods! And anyway, it's all paid for and all you can eat. I think breakfast will be the best meal, which for me means tea and honey toast, and I definitely saw a canister of Lucky Charms.

I really like the practice facilities they've provided for us. There are plenty of grand pianos to go around, and almost all of the rooms have windows on three sides looking out into the woods that surround us. I walked around for a bit today and thought it was funny that I could watch everyone as they practiced... maybe a bit awkward, but we are performers after all. Some of the rooms are unfortunately without air conditioning which I can't imagine will be good for the instruments or the musicians.

I think my favorite part thus far are the trees. Huuuuge glorious tall green trees everywhere, and it smells like green things. Hopefully it won't be so hot all summer, though: it was around 90 today. They told me I'd be escaping the heat, so I hope they weren't lying!

I admittedly am going through a bout of homesickness on this first evening, but that's nothing unusual for me in a new place. I just need to get myself settled in and establish a little daily routine. And I am still very excited to see what this summer will bring.

time time

Well, here it comes. Worries about money/school/boyfriend/family/friends/my car aside, I am leaving on Tuesday for Brevard, North Carolina, and won't be back until August... 10th? 11th? 12th? See, this uncertainty is awesome. All I know is I'll be back... sometime. When I'm good and ready.

In the meantime, there are a few ways to reach me. There's my cell phone, naturally, and you can e-mail me (binna42@gmail.com). But if for some reason you're struck with an intense desire to send me real, honest, legitimate mail, here's the address:

Brianna Matzke
Brevard Music Center
PO Box 312
Brevard, NC 28712

Or if you want to take it a step further (farther?) and send me a package via courier (like FedEx) you can use this address:

Brianna Matzke
Brevard Music Center
349 Andante Lane
Brevard, NC 28712

So go on and prove you love me. I'll be posting on this blog as often as humanly possible -- at this point I'm unsure how I'll even access the internet while at Brevard, but they can't cut us off completely, can they? More to come.

the world is fat

Being healthy is a lot of work. I set a goal for myself to lose five pounds before summer heat hit fullscale, but so far it's been a failure. Issues:

- I spend 2/3 of my mealtimes with my boyfriend who, being roughly a foot taller than I, can eat three times as many calories in one sitting. Not fair.
- I also spend a lot of time hanging out with people in relaxed social situations that usually include a meal or two. Self-restriction isn't easy when those around you are stuffing their faces with deliciously disgusting food. And the alcohol (mostly beer) consumption that happens in the context of these social situations only pours on more calories and causes me to temporarily abandon my convictions about healthy eating.
- I like to exercise, especially running and biking, but doing so only wakens my appetite and weakens my defenses against overeating -- I've actually gained two or three pounds thanks to my increased summertime exercise regimen, muscle mass and otherwise.
- Healthy food is expensive and I am poor (and bad at budgeting).
- I've never been thinner than I am right now. Well, not since the age of what, like 15?
- I am fighting a lot of bad habits. I was raised in a home that did not eat healthy food, so I have to figure out for myself what is good and what isn't; I eat quickly and usually end up being a little too full; I like to snack; blah blah blah, etc.

Point being, I've hit a plateau and I'm frustrated. Seems to me that setting good habits for myself is going to take a lot of determination, and once those habits are in place it's going to set me apart from 95% of the college crowd. BUT regardless of my whining... I am going to do it. I want my body to feel good and work the way it's supposed to -- I just need some patience while it finds its way there.

to-do list

A three month expanse of summer in front of me. Consider this a mental preparation:

1. Read books and books and books. For starters... The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath, For Whom the Bell Tolls - Ernest Hemingway, The Stranger - Albert Camus, Catch-22 - Joseph Heller. Pause for breath. In Cold Blood - Truman Capote, Death Comes for the Archbishop - Willa Cather, Lolita - Vladimir Nabakov, Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe. I am completely in earnest about this list!!!

2. Be as healthy as is conceivably possible. Good food and running and swimming and biking and water and sun and sleep. This also includes moisturizing. :-) Ha.

3. Exploration and adventure. Novelty. Fear.

4. Pursue friendships, help them grow roots, give them a history.

5. Embrace my time at Brevard in North Carolina. Six and a half weeks isn't that long. Imagine what can be learned in that amount of time -- music is waiting for me.

6. Write a song or two or seven. (to be posted here)

7. Drink lots of good wine, beer, and whiskey.

8. Avoid shopping. Commercialism can be overwhelming, plus I will be very poor. And I have better things to do with my time.

9. Learn to play drums and guitar. I'm half there already!

10. __________________________.